Kathryn Sansone reveals the importance of remaining connected to who you are as a strong independent woman.
Kathryn Sansone, author of 'Woman First, Family Always' discusses how she has learned to successfully juggle her needs with the needs of her husband and her children.
Who Are You?
Who me? Yes, you. This may at first appear to be a simple question, but it's not. As our lives become more multifaceted, so do our identities. We are no longer simply someone’s daughter, sister, or friend. We are women with a host of roles to fulfill. A modern mother's job title might read: disciplinarian, healer, event planner, soothsayer, cook, chauffeur, tutor, psychologist, coach, career woman, cleaner, social coordinator, school liaison representative . . . The list can go on . . . and on . . . and on! This multitasking was recently underscored when AOL asked me to join a group of women they call CEOs—Chief Everything Officers. AOL was organizing a forum to discuss the fact that modern-day women—especially mothers—are more accurately described as "family managers" because they juggle so many roles when they raise kids, run households, and manage the day-to-day lives of their children and family. It's no wonder many women feel like they are drowning under the pressure to juggle all these various tasks. How do we keep our heads above water? How can we do a good job and feel satisfied with our roles as CEOs? Many women are voicing such questions, not just to me, but in magazines, to their friends, and to their therapists. How can we do it all????
Remaining Connected
Sometimes modern mothers are asked to operate outside of their comfort zones, taking on new and daunting duties daily. In juggling all of these responsibilities, we often get stuck defining ourselves by just one role, that of mother. And while I never forget that I am my children's mother and my husband's wife, I know that I must always remain connected to me, to who I am as a woman. This wasn’t always easy for me to do, regardless of how much I have accomplished. When I was first married and had three children in four years, I just went through my days, trying to get as much done as possible. Jim worked long hours, there was much less money, and I was alone for long stretches of time with three kids in diapers. I was younger, but I was definitely in lesser shape—in both my body and my mind. By the end of the day, all I could manage was to crawl into bed. I spent many hours fretting, complaining, and envying Jim and everyone else. Then it dawned on me: I was being a martyr, feeling sorry for myself, as if I had no power over my own life. Time to take action!
Action Plan!
In a short time, I had figured out how to salvage 30-minute breaks once or twice a day to work out. This is when Jim first introduced me to weightlifting. As I began to integrate a workout into my (almost) daily routine, I felt immediately better—I was calmer, I had more energy, and my mood was remarkably more positive! I had made a simple change, but one that had a huge impact on my daily life. Learning to take care of myself in a physical way opened the door to the idea that I am in the driver's seat of my own life—whether I have one, four, or ten kids.
All of us are trying to be the best mothers possible. But we often forget that before we can be good, confident mothers, we have to take care of ourselves and learn how to make time for ourselves when we need it. For me, this means that I do something for myself in three ways: I make sure I stay physically, emotionally, and spiritually fit. I work out at least four times each week. I take the time and effort to keep up with friends, no matter how busy I am; and I find time each day—even if it’s just ten minutes—to connect with my soul.
So ask yourself:
Are you taking care of your body by exercising at least two or three times each week?
Are you making sure your heart is healthy by staying connected to those people in your life whom you love and who love you?
Are you paying attention to your spirit by nourishing it with enough quiet time to hear yourself think?
Allow Yourself to Dream
Periodically we need to think back to who we were before marriage and motherhood so we can find ways to reenergize those dreams and skills and further develop them. Do you dream of picking up a paintbrush again? Hacking away at that novel you've always wanted to write? Training for an athletic goal? Do you fantasize about picking up knitting or sewing again? Listening to your heart and acting on its desires is about exploring a goal, not necessarily conquering it. There's no need to fear failure, because the goal is to explore, not conquer. When I first thought of writing this book, I thought, "No way." I wasn't a writer. I had no prior experience with writing more than a term paper in college. How was I going to write a book of advice for other women? But I believed so fully in my desire to share what I've done and learned over the years that I pursued the project with vigor, finding support, help, and courage along the way.
In striving to succeed as best we can in our roles as caretakers of our precious families, we must work hard at validating and exploring our own needs and desires. Ultimately this commitment to ourselves will make us better women, wives, and mothers. Allow yourself to dream, encourage yourself to try something new, and do it! There's no need to fear failure, because the goal is to explore, not conquer.
Excerpted from 'Woman First, Family Always' by Kathryn Sansone (Meredith Books; 2006)
