Three Essential Truths: How Kathryn Sansone Maintains Her Sanity and Her Happiness

You've probably picked up this book because you're looking for advice. Maybe you had a rough morning with the kids—before you even downed your morning coffee, you were screaming at someone. Or that ever-growing pile of laundry and your work schedule are dueling it out, and the laundry is losing the battle. Or your spouse seems frustrated with you, but he's not fessing up. Or perhaps you're simply drowning in responsibilities and worries, and you're wondering how on earth you can do it all. Not to mention that you'd like to do it all well. After all, it's your family we're talking about: your children, your husband, your home. I know just how you feel. Welcome to the club.

The fact that I have ten children between the ages of eight months and eighteen, live in a well-organized home, have a happy and fulfilling marriage, and am content with how I look should not make me special. But it has—not so much in my eyes, but in the eyes of thousands of people who read my story in O, The Oprah Magazine or saw me on her show.

A Turning Point

It all began when three of my girlfriends and I went to Chicago for my fortieth birthday to see The Oprah Winfrey Show. I had been a longtime fan, and for me, attending the taping of a show was the perfect way to celebrate. After the show, Oprah began asking the audience how they stay fit (one of her favorite topics). I raised my hand and told her that weight training has been the easiest, fastest way I have found to stay in shape—and I was still doing it even though I was six months pregnant at the time. When Oprah asked me how many kids I have, I answered, "Eight with one on the way." That's when Oprah brought me up on stage and asked me more questions about how I looked so fit after having eight children. I gladly shared with her my physical routine.

A few weeks later on a Saturday afternoon, I was in my kitchen enjoying some peace and quiet while the kids were outside playing when the phone rang. A cheerful voice said, "Kathryn? This is The Oprah Winfrey Show calling."

"Oh, stop," I said laughing, believing that one of my children was playing a practical joke on me—since I had been to Chicago, I was more impressed by Oprah than ever. But this wasn’t a joke.

First Contact

One of Oprah's producers then invited me to be a guest on an upcoming show devoted to how different women stay in shape through weight training. A few weeks later Oprah was introducing me as "poster woman for fitness," featuring me as a busy mom who stays fit through weight training. After that, Oprah's magazine editor contacted me, asking if I were interested in doing the Oprah interview for the May Mother's Day issue of the magazine. Of course I was interested!

Just a few days later, Oprah arrived at my home. The moment she stepped out of her car, she entered my life—literally. She scooped up my 3-year-old daughter and very quickly blended into the usual mayhem at the Sansone house. After having some lunch, we all headed downstairs to the basement to show Oprah our sports court, a gymnasium-style space outfitted with a basketball net, a hockey goal, and other indoor sports equipment. Oprah joined in on the boys' basketball game until she was out of breath, and then the kids put on some music and everyone—Oprah included—started dancing. We were all stunned: How could Oprah, a superstar, be so normal? Her authenticity and love of life were so apparent; I became an even bigger fan.

Oprah spent most of the day with us, wanting to really get to know my family. She observed how I organize my home from top to bottom, how I feed my small army of children, and how I get through the day with a smile on my face when my husband comes home from work (although that day was Sunday and Jim was home). She also invited me to sit down with her for a quiet, more intimate chat to get to know me better. After discussing the practical aspects of my life, Oprah wanted to find out what made me tick on the inside. She referred to me as the role model of motherhood—quite a hefty title, but one that makes me think I may be able to affect a wider group of women with some practical advice that has helped me through the years. Indeed it was the gist of that conversation almost two years ago that inspired me to write this book.

And now with yet another baby in my arms, I am ready to share it all with you. Since my "Oprah moment," I began to reflect on what makes my life work smoothly and happily—not only in spite of my having ten children, two dogs, a husband, and a house to maintain but also because of these facts. I realized that there are three essential truths that keep me sane when life gets crazy, content when life is running smoothly and afloat when life threatens to drown my spirit.

Far from Perfect

The first is that I'm not supermom. I know I'm not perfect—far from it—and, actually, I don't try to be. One of the most important lessons I've learned over the past eighteen years is that not only is it impossible to be supermom, I don't want to be. Like any mother, I get tired, I get crabby, I get angry. Some days I seem to have the patience of a saint. Other days I totally lose it and scream at my kids. And sometimes I just go on strike. But to me, this is the normal cycle of any family. We may argue, struggle, and fight, but at the end of the day, we can all look at one another and get in touch with that place deep inside where love dwells. I am happy, Jim is happy, and my kids are happy. We are a team, we're on a journey through life, and we're doing pretty well.

Taking Care of Me

The second is that I am important—as a woman and an individual, not simply as a mother and wife. I've learned that if a woman gives up one aspect of herself—the woman in her, the mother, or the wife—the other two facets suffer. Often women think the opposite: that if they just concentrate on being good mothers (preferably, perfect mothers), then they'll automatically be good women and wives. Nothing could be further from the truth. A woman must be aware of herself and her own needs so she can be aware of the needs of her family. If you give too much of yourself away in the process of being a parent, you'll probably end up feeling stressed and resentful. Resenting your family will poison your honest efforts. You may not even know why you're feeling this way and apply yourself even more diligently to selfless activities to make up for it. Soon everyone will be unhappy, simply because you haven't given yourself the respect or attention that you deserve. Women don't need to feel guilty about taking care of themselves, because it will only help them do a better job of caring for others. You must take care of yourself first for everyone else's sake, as well as for your own.

Excerpted from 'Woman First, Family Always' by Kathryn Sansone (Meredith Books; 2006)